Friday afternoon I got an IM from Brock Parker (T_Soprano on Stars). He told me there was a Magic tournament in Maryland on Saturday, and of course I got excited.

Unlike in Poker, you can’t just buy in to the pro tournaments. You need to qualify, or essentially satellite in (incidentally that’s one of the main reasons I quit magic. The satellites start at 10am on Saturday morning, and you have to drive far if you want to be able to play more than just one every two months. They generally kill both your Friday night and Saturday.) This tournament was a Pro Tour Qualifier for the Pro Tour stop in Malaysia. First place prize was an invitation and free airfare.

I wasn’t expecting it to be crowded, because let’s be honest… who wants to go to Malaysia? Really. So anyway, I didn’t remember what traffic was like in the DC area on Saturday mornings, and I wasn’t sure if I remembered the way to Dreamwizards (card store in Maryland where the tournament was). It was probably the first time I had ever been early to a Magic tournament. I got there at 9:30 and registered, and by 9:40 they were signing up alternates because there wasn’t enough room for all the players. In all my years of Magic, I had never ever seen this before.

I later found out that they recently changed the rules. Before, pros that were already invited to the Pro Tour were not able to play in the PTQs (satellites). They stopped giving level 3 and 4 pros travel money, so to compensate; they allowed them to play PTQ’s to try to win their airfare. All the NJ pros ended up driving down because of this.

It was like the dead had risen. Players that hadn’t been seen in years showed up, which was cool for me because I got to see some old, old friends. I asked about 15 people if they still played, and not a single person said yes. I wasn’t the only person playing his first Magic tournament in four years (second technically).

Ok, none of you care about Magic, so I’ll get to the part involving poker players. Brock Parker (aka T_Soprano), and Huey (both well known tournament players on PokerStars), drove down together. Even though magic tournaments are essentially double elimination, Huey left after starting 1-1 because he had been given a pretty bad deck, and he wanted to see the Patriots go 16-0. I told Huey I would give Brock a ride home. 10 hours later, Brock had a spot in the top 8 (the equivalent of a final table). He won his first round and made the top 4, but then lost in the top 4. After 12 hours of work, finishing 4th out of 180 players, Brock got sent home with a box of cards worth about $70 – bad beat. That’s why we all quit Magic for poker.

Aaaanyway, Brock and I went to Ruby Tuesday’s afterward along with two other magic players, and three of the New Jersey guys showed up shortly after.

We got there around 11:45, which was only about 15 minutes before closing.

The staff at Ruby Tuesday would not be getting off early that night.

I started off with an order of cheese fries, and the entrees came out quickly because they were trying to get us out of there so they could all go home for the night – no such luck. I finished about ¾ of the huge platter of cheese fries before starting on my ribs. I was slowed down by my appetizer, and Allen was working slowly on his ribs. Brock was making fun of us for eating so little so slowly, and claimed he could easily eat all the food that was left on the table. Before I get to the prop bet, let me explain.

When we walked in the restaurant, Brock immediately ordered a beer and a shot. After dusting those off in seconds, he ordered two more beers, and then two more after finishing those – 5 beers and a shot in a short period of time. Huey was throwing a little party for the Patriots game, and I guess Brock wanted to be caught up on the drinks by the time he got home.

Brock and Eugene (aka The Barrel) had both ordered the Chicken Parmesan (served on top of some pasta). Brock had almost finished his, and Barrel had eaten about 2/3 of his.

Allen Jackson and I both ordered the ribs – half BBQ and half Asian style. Neither of us had eaten even half our ribs yet, or even touched our sides of broccoli or the big giant lump of mashed potatoes. I also still had about 1/3 of my cheese fries left. Just to clarify, that appetizer is a giant plate of carbs and cholesterol that’s not meant to be finished by one person.

“There’s no way you could eat all this food.”

“Do you know how much I can eat?”

I told Brock, “I’ll bet you ANY amount that you can’t finish it all.”

“I mean, I don’t really want to eat all this food. It would have to be a lot of money to make it worth my while.”

Craig and Gerrard leaned over from the table behind us. In an attempt to think of a large number, one of them suggested we bet $1,000.

I was thinking more along the lines of 10k, but whatever.

At 12:26, Brock agreed, but we just had to set the exact terms.

I had originally suggested he be given 30 minutes, but Eugene said that wasn’t enough and suggested an hour. I offered 45 minutes, and Brock accepted. I also added that he had to go the entire time, and then an additional 10 minutes without throwing up to win the bet.

I clarified that I meant ALL the food on the table, including the big lump of sour cream on the cheese fries, and the half eaten ribs. Nothing was exempt except the shakers of salt and pepper.

The clock began at 12:30, and Brock started off lightning fast.

He despised broccoli, and obviously I refused to let him not eat them. Two minutes in, Brock wanted out of the bet. We shook on it already though, but I was feeling generous, so I decided to let Brock by out of the bet for $200. He thought about it, and it seemed like he wanted to, but he declined.

He decided to suck it up and get the broccoli out of the way first. He covered it in the ranch to kill two birds with one stone. After that he ate most of the ribs, all of the chicken, and then the cheese fries. About 15 minutes in, our waiter dropped off our check. I took care of the bill and left him a 50% tip, because I knew he was in for a long night. Eventually the entire staff popped their heads in to see Brock demolish all that food. They seemed more than happy to stay since we were providing the entertainment.

Brock hit his first wall at the 25 minute mark. He started to slow down, and really looked pained. I offered him the chance to buy out for $400. Once again he thought about it, but refused. He took a piss break and came back to eat a little more. He looked like he was in good shape, but slowed down again with about 10 minutes left. He figured he had plenty of time left and went to the bathroom again to go number 2 – something we had agreed would be ok before the bet was made. He was supervised to make sure there was no vomiting.

I told Brock to make me an offer to buy out of the bet. He asked how much I would give him, and I told him he needed to be the one paying me. Obviously we didn’t come to an agreement and the bet was still on.

When he came back it was 1:09 – over an hour after closing, and there were only six minutes left. Brock only had about 5 ribs left, which would have been no problem if it weren’t for the huge pile of mashed potatoes (2 servings worth). Brock shoveled in about 75% of the mashed potatoes within 30 seconds. He had eaten about 95% of all the food on the table at this point. I pointed out that Brock still also had about 60% of a beer left, and then the arguments began.

I pointed out that fives minutes into the bet, when we were still clarifying the rules, Brock agreed that he would drink it. Eugene argued that didn’t matter since we used the word food when making the bet, and the beer was not food. I argued that didn’t matter since Brock had agreed to the beer. Uh oh. Was this going to end up in a dispute?

At 1:11 Brock asked if I wanted to buy out. I was shocked because there was so little food left, but I didn’t want to give him an offer since it must have meant he was done for.

“Call it even?” he asked.

My read on Brock was that if the bet were on, he would be able to finish the food, but the beer would cause a debate, and then the 10 minute no vomit period would have been extremely tough for him.

I really didn’t want the bet to come down to an argument over the beer, so I decided I had gotten my entertainment out of it, and we called it even.

We told the staff that Brock had failed his challenge, and the look on their faces was basically, “LDO”.

We started leaving the restaurant walking to our cars, but Brock was not following me to mine. I looked over to the sidewalk he was on to see him stuffing his entire hand into his mouth. I swear it looked like he vomited up 6 pounds of oatmeal. I had never seen anyone vomit that much food before in my life.

Afterwards I dropped Brock off at his and Huey’s house. Naturally we told the story, and Huey and his other roommate Matt Linde gave Brock some relentless verbal beats for being such a failure. First he played 12 hours in a Magic tournament walking away with practically nothing. Then he ate a four person meal, for which he also got nothing.